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Chapter 5: (Sh)It Follows
YOU'RE LISTENING TO FAITHWOOD RADIO- DANCIN' TO THE LORD'S BEAT SINCE 1997
If you're listening to this broadcast right now, chances are you're having what we call a crisis of faith. I mean, it's 3:30 in the morning. There's got to be something wrong with you. Well, the Lord doesn't judge. And neither do we. But here's some free advice: whatever you're thinking of? Whatever dirty secret, bad habit, lost regret you've got fluttering around in that little head of yours? Best deal with it quick.
'Cuz we know neither the day...nor the hour.
***
"You can run on for a long time/Run on for a long time..."
It had gone unnoticed in the initial chaos of the whole ordeal, but at some point during the principal's struggle with the killer, somebody had turned on the radio.
"No accounting for taste," Brooke grumbled, straightening up at Audrey's side to watch the rapidly approaching cluster of people come from across the way.
"Sooner or later God'll cut you down..."
***
Theodora had prepared for the worst. While the scene as she converged on it didn't look like 'the worst' she'd imagined... It was bad enough.
"Go tell that long tongue liar/Go and tell that midnight rider..."
"Edward!" she hurried to the principal's side, looking from the sobbing form of Audrey Jensen to the figure slumped over in the broken window, "Good Lord, what..."
But of course, she could already tell quite plainly what had happened.
"Tell the rambler/The gambler/The back biter..."
"I'm sorry."
"Tell 'em that God's gonna cut em down..."
***
Zach vaguely recalled being told to stay put before V.P.K had gone racing off for the bus.
He'd never been really good at following directions.
"Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news/My head's been wet with the midnight dew..."
He couldn't stomach the idea of staying behind with the stupid dummy scarecrow thing they'd all fallen for, knowing the others had gone off into the real danger. So of he'd gone, common sense be darned.
"I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the man from Galilee..."
Zach slowed down as he approached the bus, taking in the scene. V.P.K with the principal, who looked like he'd just come out the hard end of a bad fight, Audrey crying on the floor, Brooke beside her... The body in the window.
Zach felt his throat go dry.
"Noah!" he turned to the outlier of the group, noting the blood on his face, from a split lip or a broken nose, he couldn't tell, "Noah, you okay? What happened?"
"He spoke to me in the voice so sweet..."
***
"I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet..."
"Oh, saints preserve me!" Fitz moaned, grabbing desperately for Dave's jacket, "I think I'm dying!"
He could feel the man's heavy tread jostling him about in his arms. Though he could still open one eye well enough, he'd been keeping them both shut, too terrified of what he might see if he opened them.
"He called my name and my heart stood still..."
***
"When he said, "John, go go my will!""
"Fucked around by a dummy," Tina lit a cigarette, lowering herself onto a convenient bench, "I never got married to keep away from that shit. Ah well."
Eli cocked an eyebrow, "I thought you never got married because you can't remember phone numbers?"
"Aw, shut-it, pookeyface," Tina took a drag on the cigarette, "I tell ya, if that bus blew up, I'm grabbing your hand and walking us out of this shithole. See if I don't."
"Swell idea, Ma," he got to his feet, walking a little way away.
"Go tell that long tongue liar/Go and tell that midnight rider..."
"Hey, Lightning-Arm!" he folded his arms, approaching Ted, "Gotta admit, surprised you're still trying the Action Movie dude thing, running around with the hero brigade. Between you and me, the 'Head in the sand' thing may look pretty bad, but..." he shrugged, "It keeps you breathing."
"Tell the rambler/The gambler/The back biter/Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down..."
***
"Well, you may throw your rock and hide your hand/Workin in the dark against your fellow man..."
"I've checked the fuses," Phyllis approached the two men she supposed were now beneath her in the chain of command: Nicodemus and Pedro Sanchez, an assortment so ill-advised she was even more anxious than she was already for the others to come back.
"Nothing looks wrong. I'd have switched the lights on already, but..." she trailed off, feeling silly, "Well, I thought it was best to see what happened with the bus first."
Better than the original statement, which was simply a somewhat pathetic-sounding fear that she'd flipped the switch and they'd all burst into flames. Which may be true or not regardless of what happened with the bus.
"But as sure as God made black and white/What's down in the dark will be brought to the light..."
If she was a coward, so be it. She could be honest about that. Perhaps she could be honest about more.
"You can run on for a long time/Run on for a long time/Sooner or later God'll cut you down..."
-Brooke, Theodora, Zach, Fitz, Tina, Eli and Phyllis
Nicodemus shrugged. "Sounds coolio. We'll wait for the bus brothers to come back with the scoop on our wheels. But I got a vibe that we don't need to bring light into this room cause they're gonna come here bearin' good news."
***
Dave kicked down the doors to the hall, cradling Fitz in his arms. "THIS MAN NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION NOW!"
***
"Sweet mama!" Nicodemus cried, rushing over to the teach, holding the candy-man. "What's happening, man?!"
-Nicodemus and Dave
"He died saving me," Teague said plainly. He had recovered all the guns from the bus shortly after Ghostface had fled.
"He's wearing armor, Theodora. I put bullet after bullet into him, and he just kept coming."
***
Ted looked to Eli and shrugged, "It wasn't my idea, trust me. When Brooke said "Pair up", I just...I took Zach's hand. And we went from there."
***
Pedro nodded.
"Any traps? Anything?"
"Armor..." Theodora repeated bitterly, "Naturally."
She looked about the grim scene, "Fat lot of good all us 'good guys with guns' did, eh?"
***
"Aw," said Eli, "That's cute."
He looked around, "...you doing okay? I mean, considering?"
***
"Well, I'm afraid I didn't..."
Phyllis's words were cut short by the dramatic arrival of...
"Dave!" she hurried over, looking from him to the moaning form in his arms, "Oh my God, what happened?"
"Dammit, woman, what do you think?" exclaimed Fitz Smith in Dave's arms, "I've near been killed!"
-Theodora, Eli, Phyllis and Fitz
"The safety was on," Teague grimly informed her, "I had the bastard dead to rights, and Fitz Smith never took off his fucking safety."
"I've...I've been better," Ted admitted, "I wanna go home."
"Edward, you'll pardon me for saying this, but if you did shoot him as many times as you'd have it, I get the unpleasant idea he wasn't as 'dead to rights' as all that," Theodora heaved a sigh, "It's my folly. This was my idea."
She looked the bus over, "Does the damn crate work at the very least?"
***
"Eh, I guess I do too," Eli shrugged, "Not that 'home' is much better for me. My cousin's either going to drink bleach or start a walking tour to Hades before this whole thing is over, and my Mom remains her usual pleasant self."
Eli smirked, "But that's my sad story."
-Theodora and Eli
"Theodora, this isn't your fault," Teague said, before turning to the bus, "And let's find out."
"I wish my Dad were here," Ted replied, "Maybe He'd know what to do."
"I didn't say it was my fault," allowed Theodora, "Just that it was my idea. A bad one, but..."
She turned to Teague as they climbed back into the bus, "The lights went out back at the common hall. There was this rig...a dummy set up to strike the doors so we'd think someone was trying to get in. A neatly laid out distraction."
She drew her foot back, cocking an eyebrow in surprise, "Are those...caramels?"
The hardened candies were all over the floor, up and down the aisle, scattered like pebbles.
***
"No respect for Mom?" Eli asked automatically, with a smirk.
"Sorry. I just have a general negative opinion of Dads is all."
-Theodora and Eli
"Fitz's. The guy rigged some kind grenade with them," Teague explained, "We checked everything and everything seems to be fine."
"I wish she was here too," replied Ted, "Maybe they could put their heads together and figure it out."
"Far be it from me, to..."
Theodora turned the key (left hanging in the ignition, which she didn't quite like) in the ignition. The bus rumbled, the dash made some tiny beeping noise...
And then went still again.
Theodora sighed heavily, nodding to the fuel gauge, "Why rig it to explode when you can just take all the gas?"
***
"One gets the general impression your Dad isn't fond of all the creative killers running around wearing his dead brother's face?" Eli cocked an eyebrow.
-Theodora and Eli
"Of all the things he could have done..." Teague stared at it in disbelief. Why hadn't he considered something so...mundane?
"Oh no, he's not," Ted shook his head quickly, "Have you ever watched the Downfall Parodies on Youtube? His ranting skills are a little more impressive than that level."
"I concede the point," Theodora looked around, "This was rank idiocy, and now a good man is dead and a girl has been orphaned. And to what end?"
She looked at the body slumped down in the window, attentive to the faint sounds of Audrey's tears outside.
"We shouldn't leave him here," she decided.
***
"You mean...the screaming Hitler things?" Eli paused, "You are in desperate need of a pop cultural reboot, you know that?"
-Theodora and Eli
"He saved me. I'll get him." After making sure he hadn't missed any guns, Teague lifted him out of the window and hefted him across his shoulder. As he brought him out, he said, "Miss Mad...Brooke, will you help Audrey back?"
"I know, but they're so funny!" Replied Ted, with a small grin.
Brooke looked up sharply at the shockingly still-alive principal's words.
"Oh..." she nodded, "Yeah. Yeah, sure. Right away."
She turned to Audrey, "I...I know it's gotta be the last thing you want to do, but...we should get going."
***
Theodora was about to ask if Teague could bear the body on his own, but she stopped herself, knowing he would only allow one answer to that question.
Howard had been his friend. He didn't have many... Though, if he still stood by what he'd said earlier, she was among them, perhaps the only one he still had.
She wasn't sure how she felt about that.
"Wait..." she began, hurrying to him, "The knife."
The killer's knife remained lodge firmly in Howard's eye, almost to the hilt. The blood had already begun congealing around it, an ugly, nauseating sight.
"We shouldn't leave it there."
***
"Sure, sport," Eli looked like he was gonna say more to that, but he didn't.
"There's no way that bus thing worked."
-Brooke, Theodora and Eli
Audrey swallowed hard, and took Brooke's shoulder to help her stand up. It felt like the world was dead to her. Her Dad was dead...why hadn't it been her?
***
Teague laid the body down, and retrieving a bandana from his jacket, pulled the knife out with it wrapped around the handle.
"You want it?"
***
Ted shook his head.
"We're going to die here, Aren't we?"
Brooke started back toward the common hall, not bothering to look behind her for the others. It occurred to her the killer could still very likely be lying in wait somewhere, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce.
Might as well get it over with, then, she thought derisively.
"I'm sorry, Audrey," she said at last, "You...shouldn't have had to see that."
***
Theodora grimaced, flinching away from the thick, globulous strands of viscera dripping from the knife.
"For God's sake, Edward, that's not what I meant!" she sighed, "It was a...question of taste, is all. And, anyway, if it's anything, isn't it evidence?"
***
"Oh, c'mon, man, it's not that..."
But Eli stopped himself, "Where's that happy-go-lucky idiot who tormented me to no end?"
-Brooke, Theodora and Eli
"I wasn't asking if you wanted to use it. I need to carry Howard," he explained.
***
"Why him? He never hurt anyone. Why him and not me?"
***
"You mean the one that kidnapped you?" Ted allowed a small chuckle.
"I just...I don't know how we're getting out of here."
"Ah..." Theodora grimaced, accepting the knife gingerly, "Naturally."
The thing just kept dripping.
"You'd think after dedicated a career to the molding of mind, the sight of raw mind wouldn't be so..."
A glob of brain hit the floor.
"...upsetting."
***
"With the very best intentions," Eli answered automatically.
"Well, my Mom's all in favor of walking the whole Fuck Knows how many miles. I'd tell her she's crazy, but she already knows that."
-Theodora and Eli
Teague opened his mouth to say something, but closed it.
"Let's get him back."
***
"What if we don't have a choice?"
Brooke didn't answer anything, not immediately...
Even if she had, Audrey might not have noticed, on account of the figure walking at her other side, keeping perfect stride with her.
"He hurt you," Rachel told her, "Don't lie to yourself, Audrey, you know he did."
***
"Of course," Theodora winced at the knife, discreetly wiping it off on the back of the nearest seat before heading out, "Boys."
"Huh?" Zach looked up abruptly, "Uh...right. Yeah," he started off, eyes still on Noah, "You are okay, though? I mean...he didn't get you did he?"
***
"There's always a choice, Teddy," Eli looked around the room, eyes narrowed, "Some of them are just uglier than others."
-Brooke, Theodora, Zach and Eli
"He still didn't deserve this, Rae," Audrey said, remembering the hit.
She had forgiven a long time ago for that.
***
Ted nodded.
"You said your cousin is probably gonna kill herself. Why?"
"There was a bomb filled with Smith's own Sweeties!" Dave explained frantically, setting Fitz on a nearby table. "It blew up in his own hand. I-I think some went into his eye. I don't know what to do!"
"Settle down, friend," Nicodemus assured Dave with what was perhaps an inappropriate smile, looking down on his patient. "Ya wouldn't be the first person I've healed tonight with my oriental juices. Sit tight, man. This'll be over in a bit."
He took a bottle of his healing oil from his pocket, uncapped it and poured it into Fitz's wounded eye.
A sizzling sound, followed by a very thin layer of smoke.
-Dave and Fitz
"He was too proud to acknowledge you! He was ashamed of you, of us! By the time he'd finally started warming up to the notion, it was too late for me."
Rachel moves, in an instant, to stand before Audrey, bearing down on her, pinning her in place with eyes and voice alone, "He was a self-righteous, self-hating hypocrite who blamed his every misfortune on other people, divine and otherwise, don't give him the satisfaction of feeling responsible now that he's dead."
She shook her head, "He's not worth it."
***
"Because she practically said it in as many words, but then, that was in basically the same breath as she confessed to killing several anonymous people, so what do I know? Maybe she was just trying to spoke me."
Eli shrugged, "Between you and me, I get the impression her reunion with her brother wasn't everything she wanted it to be, and now she's more miserable than usual. Even the whole 'kidnapping' thing didn't faze her this much."
***
At Dave's hurried description, Phyllis cocked an eyebrow, "His...sweeties blew up in his hand? I...I'm sorry is that a euphemism?"
"Hoist by mine own petard!" Fitz cried so suddenly that Phyllis gasped, "It was always going to be my lot in life. Mark my words, my father is laughing at all this, somewhere in some sugary hell..."
At Nicodemus's reference to 'oriental juices', Phyllis diverted her attention, "Okay, please say that's a euphem…"
He had already poured it onto Fitz's eye...
***
"TZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Fitz moaned, writhing madly, "NOT AGAIN!"
He fell from the table, thrashing wildly about on the floor, kicking and flailing like a man possessed. The pain was unbearable, something unknowable to any man besides the mad and dying.
Fitz daren't think which he was.
"Oh my God!" Phyllis Hendricks cried above him, though Fitz knew no God could sanction these sufferings.
"I SMELL IT!" he cried, "OH SWEET HEAVEN, I SMELL MY SIGHT!"
"Somebody grab him!" he heard Phyllis cry, but he pushed her aside, jolting to his feet and propelling himself across the room.
"KILL ME! SOMEBODY KILL ME!"
"Jesus Christ!"
A torrent of cold water struck him in the face. Fitz hovered on his feet for a moment, swaying dizzily, before collapsing into a heap.
***
Tina lowered the bucket (hastily filled from the bathroom sink) to the floor at her feet, panting heavily.
"...the fuck was that?"
Phyllis, ashen-faced and wide-eyed could only mutter, "Oriental juices."
"Shit," Tina turned to Nicodemus, "Got any to spare?"
-Eli, Fitz, Phyllis and Tina
Audrey began doing something she never thought she would do: Glare at her girlfriend, "Rachel, go away for now."
Before Ted could comment on that, Fitz screamed. An eyebrow raised, he asked, "What was that?"