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Part IV: Ghosts of the Past
"Would I?" Anne repeated thinly.
She paused, "I didn't know there was ever a shrine here."
"What is he doing there?" asked Tony, "Praying?"
"Yes, yes. He's..." Dr. Galdamez climbed the spiral stairwell, trying his best to follow his urges and talk to his clients. "He's talking to God. The attic is so peaceful and quiet. Back in the day, when the boys were doing their shenanigans, they crept up here to trade baseball cards and smoke cigarettes. Perhaps up here, he is forever young."
"So, 'talking to God'," said Tony, "Is that like you talking to God, or is it just regular schmuck talking to God?"
"The latter, boy," Dr. Galdamez replied, reaching the top of the stairs. "Not all stars shine equally. Few as bright as I!" Reaching the door, he looked to the rest. "'Tis locked! Knock it down and you will find your friend!"
"You're asking me to knock a door down?"
"We already broke in," pointed out Tony, turning to Jamie, "Well? Have at it, Knuckles."
"It'll give me practice for the Guard," Jamie stepped in front of the door, and did some stretching. And then with a solid kick, broke it down.
Anne let out a short cry, muffled behind a hand.
Tony blinked wearily, "Well, if nobody knew we were here before, they definitely know now."
"Oh God..." Anne sighed, "I wish you would stop talking about the Guard. Not all of us are obligated to dedicate our lives to monolithic servitude."
"Coming from my sister, The Sister. Nice."
She shined her light into the room, hoping for any glimpse of Jason Murray.
Dr. Galdamez rubbed his hands together, finding they were getting closer to achieving their goal. "We're close, friends! Real close!" He scanned the room, following the young girly's light. "What fine antiquities from a time long-past! Decayed but still finely made!"
He turned to face his clients, smiling, quite sure of himself. "Friends...I have an announcement."
"What is it?"
Anne leaned perilously close to Galdamez. In a voice thinner than angel hair pasta she said, "What...kind...of...announcement?"
After a quite purposeful dramatic pause, Galdamez purred, "The soul you seek, this Jason...is not in this room."
"Then where is he?" asked Jamie, through clenched teeth, "And what was the point of me breaking that door down?"
"Not..." Anne began tensely, "in...this...room?"
"Please say that's some kinda Chinese metaphorical st..."
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Anne launched herself across the room at Galdamez, pummeling him fiercely with wiry, yet surprisingly strong arms."
"YOU PHILANDERING, PERVERTED CON-ARTIST! YOU HAVE WASTED HOURS OF OUR TIME WITH YOUR HOCUS POCUS BULLSHIT! IF I WEREN'T IN TERROR OF MY OWN FREEDOM, I WOULD CALL THE POLICE!"
"My fabrics!" Dr. Galdamez cried as he was knocked on his rumpus. "I beg you! Stop assailing me! Cease!" He struggled to say as the fiery nun relentlessly attacked him. "You didn't let me finish!"
"Not that this isn't a thrill ride," said Tony lightly, "But, maybe we should hear him out?"
Anne leaned back, blinking down at him, "Oh, yes, yes, of course. Sorry. Please, please...what's the next objective? Maybe we all go skinny dipping in the lake to readjust the juju spirits and point the way to the man's P.O box!"
Dr. Galdamez got up, dusting himself off. "In this room is a clue to the whereabouts of the soul you seek! I sense it coming from..." He sensed, then pointed to... "...that there statue of St. Geor-giay! Defile him and you will find the clue!"
Jamie's jaw dropped.
"No. Just...no."
"Oh, don't be such a Puritan, cop-caller," said Tony witheringly, "What do you mean defile?"
"Break it open! Burst its shell and you will find the secret somewhere within its loins!"
Anne stared, cock-eyed, "Defile its..."
"Oh, come on, you prudes," Tony pushed Anne aside, "I've got this."
"That statue's been consecrated!" said Anne, "It's been christened..."
"That's cute. Does it have a birth certificate and a social security number too?" Tony leaned in, "Honey, it's just a statue, and it's collecting dust in the attic."
"It's an icon of a saint of the church! Now, it means something to some pe..."
"Honey, after the night we had, I'm not sure any of us can get away with vouching for the sanctity of statue life."
Anne, getting the point, folded her arms, "Just...don't do anything too..."
"Hey, dragon slayer!" Tony called out, lifting one delicate leg (and sharply pointed heel) toward the stone, "Just call me Maleficent!"
He kicked the statue square in the loins, in the same motion wrapping his arms around it and planting his lips on the saint's face.
Jamie started to say something, but stopped herself.
With a ponderous groan, the statue began to list to the side. Anne pressed her face into her hand.
"You know, I'm starting to get why the Pope makes such a show out of kissing these things!" said Tony between smooches, "Once you get over how cold they are, it's like having your very own fuck...AIEEEE!"
The statue crashed to the floor, sending Tony sprawling on top of it, in a cloud of dust, roughly coughing.
"My God!" Anne stepped forward, "You know, it's just what you get."
"Oh..." Tony lifted his face, swatting the dust away from his face, "Screw y..."
At which point, he rested his eyes at St. George's face, where the plaster had cracked away in the statue's fall...
Revealing a human skull.
Tony let out a stentorian scream.
Jamie let out a scream as well.
Dr. Galdamez smiled, very satisfied with himself. Yet again, his ability refused to fail him! "Just as I suspected!"
"Oh, BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!" Anne screamed in a voice none present had yet heard her use, "If you knew this entire time that you were leading us to a mummified relic, why on Jesus's Green Earth didn't you say anything?"
"I needed to confirm my suspicions!" Dr. Galdamez explained coolly. "And my suspicions were correct. In that statue, you found a clue to the whereabouts of Jason's soul--his body. And now we know he is high above in the heavens with the deceased!"
A moment of silence to respect the dead. "Well, your friend is found. I expect a check at my Palais by mohnin'." He walked out of the attic, leaving the women to ponder what they had just discovered.
"You, you can't just..." Anne straighted up, "You can't just le..."
"And...he left," said Tony, "Ew, you know, I think I can taste him."
"This is insane!" Anne whirled around, "He's dead! And...entombed in a statue like...like some Medieval relic."
"At his high school, too," Tony chimed in, "Somebody must've really hated him."
"Who though? The Seaweed Ghost?"
"Jamie, you can't honestly believe in that ghost story nonsense?" asked Anne, sounding suddenly tired.
"If it isn't a ghost, what is it?" demanded Tony, "How do we explain the sheriff..."
"We've only your word the sheriff died like you described!"
"Oh, really?" Tony sounded aghast, "What about Sr. Jaundice? Huh?"
Anne sighed, "Eunice," she amended.
"She died the same way the sheriff did, and you saw it! I had as much to do with that as him."